Who gets into heaven? :)
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME....
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME....
Hum Hindustani
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tamil-Brahmin = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tamil-Brahmins = maths tuition class.
Three Tamil-Brahmins = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tamil-Brahmins = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Gujju (Gujarati)
One Gujarati = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujaratis = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour
Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community
One Tamil-Brahmin = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tamil-Brahmins = maths tuition class.
Three Tamil-Brahmins = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tamil-Brahmins = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Gujju (Gujarati)
One Gujarati = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujaratis = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour
Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community
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